I couldn’t sleep last night. I can’t sleep a lot of the time. And I’ve had a few good days (almost a week of good days) and last night I felt the creeping darkness again. And at first I had the old sinking sensation. The thoughts were “see, here we are again. It’s never going to end. We thought we were better, but we’ve just been lying to ourselves”.
And I took out my notebook and mused on the homework from my last therapy session (2 weeks ago – I NEVER have a break that long!!) and my task was to work on challenging some of my more harmful core beliefs:
- I am not safe.
- I am bad (she is bad).
- The world is unsafe and there is no place in it for me.
And I started making notes. In spider diagram form, just because I really like spider diagrams. And I wrote a total of 7 pages. And while I don’t fully believe all of the contradictory evidence and statements that I wrote down to challenge the negative beliefs, I was able to generate them all. And then I drew 2 pictures and finally I slept.
Waking up today, I reflected on this and I realised that I really needed to congratulate myself on how far I have come.
Setbacks are part of recovery, and do not mean all is lost.
It’s ok to have the old feelings. Core beliefs are hard to change. But they are not necessarily truths and I can look objectively and say that the same thoughts are no longer connected to the same behaviours, either at all, or with the same intensity.
So I AM getting better.
And I am going at Katy pace. Because that is the only pace I CAN go at.
And the yearning to be back in DBT group is not a sign of regression, it is in fact, a sign of progress. The thoughts and feelings that I would gain a lot more from group now than I did when I was in it because now my life and moods have stabilised and the situations in my life seem to make sense through that lens, while they often did not back then, is actually a sign of recovery.
I AM doing my best.
I AM doing well.
Progress at any pace is progress.