“And there is something that I’ve locked away
A memory that is too painful
To withstand the light of day.”
– Roger Waters, Pink Floyd, The Final Cut
Here, the most fragile (yet the bravest), the most wounded (yet the most compassionate) part of me has finally been given some of the validation and comfort she needed.
Coaxing her out and processing her trauma is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have many days where I still struggle with it. Yet I also feel more complete. I feel like I have turned over one of the last and darkest pieces of the puzzle.
And I survived it.
I found an internal self, all wrapped up in shame and guilt. Bearing responsibility for someone else’s dark secrets. We, She, I and the others are working hard on challenging the multitude of strongly rooted beliefs that maintain her feelings of shame, self-loathing and helplessness.
But it is hard.
We take it one day at a time.
This picture speaks to me of progress, but also of how far we still have to go.
Her posture, here, suggests that she is struggling at least with embarrassment, a close cousin of shame and guilt. And so she needs to be held carefully and not over exposed.
And yet she sits in a spoon. A strange choice, that made no sense to me at the time, but just felt right. I think now, with hindsight, and further learning, that it was a warning from somewhere deep inside me, saying “you aren’t as far along as you want to be, and that’s OK, but take care of yourself, challenge all of your ‘ideas’ for activities over the next few days, are they safe right now? Or are you chasing risk? Escape? Old solutions to old problems.”
Because the spoon, speaks of boundaries, or lack thereof and of her own confusion about how and what to be.
She offers herself up on a spoon. Is this really safe for her, given how she feels? Or is she simply doing what she thinks she has to.
New situations. Old interpretations.
But all becomes clear with hindsight. Or, at least more clear.
But for now, those thoughts are just for me.
Art Journal Sketch Series. Watercolour Pencil on Paper. ©Katy Matilda Neo, 2017.