Self-Soothe

Today the world is disintegrating.
I feel so alone.
I feel like an alien.
I feel like nothing or no-one will ever be able to give me enough.
I feel so sad.

Sadness.
It feels like I’m dying.
Like I think I might actually die.
Just from how sad I feel.
No-one can make me feel better.
But for once I feel compassion for myself.

I want comfort.
For the first time in ages I am not trying to make the sad go away by doing something stupid or dangerous.

Instead.
I’m going to bed.
In my softest onesie with all my favourite blankets.
Cuddly toys.
Scented wax burner.
My cat.
A hot water bottle.
Chocolate.
A cinnamon flavour drink.
And I am going to look after me physically because I need to.

Self care.
I’m going to take some pills to make me sleep.
(Only the ones – and dose – I am prescribed).
And I am going to listen to an audiobook and pretend someone is reading to me.
And I will cry if I feel sad.
And stroke and cuddle all the soft and warm things.

And even though it will be me that’s looking after me, I think I might feel a bit better afterwards .

Hope says it will mean that tomorrow, I can wake up rested and do some of the nice things I wanted to do for ages but have been too destructive to manage

And tomorrow I am going to look back over my DBT skills.

Tomorrow I re-evaluate.

Again.

But I still feel like such a waste of a human that this is what has to consume my energy or else I just destroy myself and everything around me.

This must end. One way or another. It has to. And only I can make it happen.

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